Another True Post Office Story. Little 3-years-old-or-so kid (wearing oversized horn-rimmed sunglasses) is wandering around the post office, collecting the various forms — mail forwarding, customs declaration, Selective Service forms, etc. — available at kid-height. Mom is getting a $1,100 money order at the counter, and the kid is starting to get loud. “Okay, that’s enough!” she tells him, adding “And now I’m getting upset!” “It’s NOT enough!” the kid cries. He starts literally crying, dropping his forms all over the place. Each time he picks one up, he drops one he’s already gathered, sending him back to the ground again and again. “It’s NOT enough, it’s NOT enough, it’s NOT enough!” Over and over, this is his complaint.

Hate to tell ya, kid, but soon enough you’ll be swimming in so much junk mail that it’ll really make you start to cry. It’s enough, trust me.

We don’t need no stinkin’ Segways! To be honest, I’m in favor of outlawing bicycles, skateboards, Segways, and scooters on sidewalks. And if you’re skateboarding in the street, you should be considered “fair game” for motor vehicles. (As if this wasn’t already the case.) My goal is to run for SF mayor on this platform, along with a mandatory $1000 fine for double parking violations.

Spent the day in glorious Orange County. Unnoteworthy except for the tiny little plane I took to get there — the only time I’ve ever had a seat that was both a window and an aisle simultaneously. Also amusing was the largish, middle-aged woman sitting across the aisle on the way back, reading Retire Young, Retire Rich.

Having been asked about my wishlists, I figured I’d post my real wishlist. Note that I’ve left off personal happiness, general fulfillment, and health issues here because either I already have them or they can’t be bought or otherwise gained through personal exertion & talent. This is primarily a list of materialistic desires. If I manage to complete just a few of these before I die I’ll be amazed. Presented in order from relatively least difficult to relatively most difficult to obtain.

10. Visit Tokyo and Italy (on different trips).

9. Drink a 1945 Petrus, a 1921 Chateau d’Yquem, a 1919 La Tache, and an 1847 vintage Port (not all at once).

8. Have a really big kitchen.*

7. Own a house on a cliff.**

6. Own an original work by Kandinsky, Van Gogh, Lichtenstein, or Warhol.

5. Have a full-time maid.

4. Have a book on the New York Times best seller list.

3. Appear (as a legitimate guest) on Letterman.

2. Be paid to endorse something.

1. Receive an Academy Award.

* Should be included with #7, but not necessarily.

** Our current house is sort of on a cliff. I envision a substantially bigger house, though, on a substantially bigger cliff.

This is killing me. I saw a movie on IFC (or similar avant-garde movie channel) a few years ago and I can’t remember the name. It primarily involves two characters, a professional woman and a man who spends the night hidden out in her house. Over the course of the night, she goes on a crying jag and binges-and-purges on an enormous feast, including half of a chocolate cake. The next morning, she gets dressed and goes back to work again. Very creepy, and I remember enjoying the film. So, can anyone tell me what this movie is? If so, e-mail me. And I call myself a film critic. Also shameful…

Yahoo! Tornado 21 has become as addictive to me as Literati, Word Racer, and Yahoo Pool once were. I cannot for the life of me figure out how people score millions of points in a game (5 million is the record on the boards right now). My max is 1,398. This guy seems to have played a lot more than I have.

Hey, tweed jacket dude! We understand your “beer appreciation society” is of paramount importance to humanity, but if you need to set up your club meeting on your cell phone, can you do it a) less loudly and b) not in the elevator? Some of us don’t appreciate beer quite as much as you.

Last year I won $60 in the office Survivor pool. I’m looking to repeat. If you’re interested in joining the game this year ($10 buy-in), e-mail me. The season starts September 19. Here are the cattle.