Bitches, I’m Back

From the Austin Chronicle‘s letters to the editor, September 19, 1997

Dank Reek of Opium


I am writing this e-mail to inform you of true talent on your staff. The videotape reviews put out by one Christopher “I wear all Black, but I am not as cool as Johnny Cash” Null have been underplayed for far too long. I cannot believe you all foolishly allowed him to move to San Fran, have you all lost your minds? Limiting him to video, instead of first runs? Is the dank reek of opium creeping out of your management’s office and truly blistering the minds of the real decision makers at the Chronicle?

What talent, what vision, what insight, etc., Mr. Null shows in his weekly ramblings. The man is a genius, and you let him go! Mr. Null, the Chronicle‘s answer to the Sourpuss of the Statesman, the always angry, yet possible hetro Ann Hornaday. True, in a head-to-head battle, she might have him on smell, she might have him on weight, but never on judgment.

I am afraid you will slowly lose a true gem in the crown of the Chronicle. Not only should you pay him more, but also consider hiring a prostitute to regularly apply “oral minstrations” as to reduce any possible pressure on Mr. Null’s brain, further freeing his thought process, allowing him to write more, more, more.

As demonstrated last night on eMpTV’s Austin Stories, there truly are very few creative writers in this town. Why, that bit of broadcast tripe & drivel almost forced me out of my complacent seat of uncaring, and onto the floor to heave huge chunks of Tex-Mex flavored stomach stew. It was just horrible.

And why? Because the writing staff did not come close to being worthy of carrying Christopher Null’s bedpan.

Please, do not let the Chronicle fall into total disrepair. Keep Null available at all times, at any cost. San Francisco is no place for a honest Austinite. Do whatever it takes, dispatch horses immediately if required, Bring him back.

Or something.


Charles Statman

lunatic at large

It’s All True

After 25 years in California, I’m headed back to Texas for the next chapter in my life. Which is a reprise of the old chapter, I realize, but with a ’20s twist, amirite?

Austin, TX, here we come. June 7. Be there!

My Understanding of the Ukraine Conflict

Do I have this right?

Putin is upset that Ukraine is getting too cozy with Europe and NATO, so he says, “Fine! I’ll bomb the shit out of you! That will make them love me!”

What am I missing?

Just Me?

Am I the only one who looks at CNN’s Chasing Life promo and thinks it’s about a steely-eyed serial killer?

Update: Ah… look who did some Photoshop work! Much better, Sanjay!

I’m Part of the Junior High Zeitgeist, I Guess?

Instructions/Directions: Listen to an audio clip based on the article written by Christopher Null (Null, 2020). The material contains a mother’s sentiment about her child’s difficult situation. After listening thoroughly to the details, write about the situation or problem you would analyze and suggest an effective solution to it. Write on the lines provided accordingly.