abject failure

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Dad Joke Doesn’t Work Out

Monday, February 1st, 2016

Me: Hey kids, look, a flock of cows!

Zoe (13): Brown cows!

Me: Uh, yeah, a flock of cows!

Zoe: Yeah, brown cows!

Beckett (9): It’s not flock.

Me: Yeah, flock of cows!

Beckett: Flock is for birds.

Me (frustrated): Yeah, flock of cows!

Beckett (rolls eyes): Never mind.

Found ‘im!

Sunday, November 1st, 2015



Thursday, October 1st, 2015

Since upgrading my brand new Lenovo Yoga 3 to Windows 10…

  • webcam doesn’t work
  • iTunes won’t even load
  • keyboard randomly doubles up on characters about 1 of 100 times you press a key… but about 1 out of 5 times you press the letter C
  • and there’s no help for any of this online

Story of my life.

This Is a Real Site

Sunday, August 2nd, 2015


I dunno, she looks like a gluten eater to me. How do they keep people from lying on their profiles just to try to get with eligible, gluten-free singles???

April Fool

Wednesday, April 1st, 2015

Is it just me or are the April Fools’ Day pranks of today getting entirely tiresome? I think it’s because the internet makes it too easy to pull them off. How about painting the Golden Gate Bridge blue or releasing a herd of cows inside City Hall? Now that’s a prank, people.

Case in point. (I can’t tell if Eater even got the joke…)

Following the Rules

Friday, March 20th, 2015

The kids aren’t supposed to put “empty” food packages back in the cupboards, so (look closely)…


Tattoos = Art

Sunday, March 1st, 2015


International Shipping

Thursday, January 1st, 2015

So UPS, let me get this straight.

Someone ships an express worldwide package — 58 pounds — to Ghana, Africa, using my UPS account number, but from an origin that’s about 2,000 miles away from where I live. The bill for the shipping is over $1,000. I almost never ship anything, let alone anything to Africa.

You don’t see anything just a little bit odd about that scenario?

Strangest Thing in My Son’s Halloween Bag Last Night

Saturday, November 1st, 2014

Dixie cup filled with Froot Loops cereal. OK then.

PG&E, This Is Ridiculous

Tuesday, October 7th, 2014

Dear Valued Customer,

Your energy statement(s) for Pacific Gas and Electric Company (PG&E) is attached and ready to be paid.

You may pay your bill within the secure PDF* by following the easy steps below:

  1. Open attached PDF.
  2. Enter password.
  3. Complete the form by entering your information into the General Account, Payment Profile and Bank Account Information fields.
  4. Select Pay Now button.
  5. Confirm payment details in window, and then select Yes to continue if correct.

Accept any Adobe security settings, if applicable.

*Adobe Reader version 7.0.8 and above is required to open the attached PDF. The Secure PDF Payment feature is not supported on mobile devices such as iPhone, iPad or Android. Please use a desktop or laptop computer to use the Secure PDF Payment feature, or log in to your account on MyEnergy to pay your bill(s).

Click below to view the most recent bill inserts including any legal and mandated notices. www.pge.com/billinserts

If you have any questions, please contact the appropriate corresponding number below for additional information:

Residential customers: 1-877-660-6789
Business customers: 1-800-468-4743
Agricultural customers: 1-877-311-3276

Thank you, we appreciate your business.

Customer Care
Pacific Gas and Electric Company
77 Beale St., San Francisco, CA 94105

PG&E is committed to protecting our customers’ privacy.
To learn more, please visit http://www.pge.com/about/company/privacy/customer/

You are receiving this email because of your notifications preferences associated with billing and payments. To stop receiving these emails, you may log into MyEnergy and manage your preferences.

Please do not reply to this message as the response will not be delivered to the originator.

Why Ask Why?

Monday, September 1st, 2014

Labor Day cat GIF. Let’s do this.


The Business Equivalent of “The Dog Did It”

Friday, August 8th, 2014

Me (to Fedex): Your Delivery Manager service isn’t working. It says my house is a business address. Obviously it’s a residential address.

Fedex: The post office has you classified as a business address. You need to get them to change it.

Me (to post office): Can you change my house from a business address to a residential address?

Post office: Your house has been listed as a residential address for a year.

Me (to Fedex): The post office says my house is a residential address. Can you make the change on your end so I can use your Delivery Manager service?

Fedex: The post office has you classified as a business address. You need to get them to change it.

Me (to Fedex): The post office says my house is a residential address.

Fedex: The post office has you classified as a business address. You need to get them to change it.

Me (to Fedex): The post office says my house is a residential address.

Fedex: The post office has you classified as a business address. You need to get them to change it.


My New Favorite Scammer Warning About Those Other Scammers

Tuesday, July 29th, 2014


When It Absolutely, Positively, Ah… Skip It

Tuesday, July 1st, 2014

Today I Learned: If you take your FedEx door tags into a FedEx Office center and ask where your packages are, they simply can’t tell you. “Door tag number <> tracking number!”

PRO TIP: You can look up the tracking numbers on the spot using your phone by typing in the door tag numbers, then you can tell them to FedEx, and then they can help you. FedEx can’t manage this trick internally.

Good luck.

Why Not Take a Whole Hour?

Wednesday, June 4th, 2014

It’s not a huge waste of time, it’s HBO.


Ho Ho Ho

Monday, December 16th, 2013

The worst thing the movies have ever done to Christmas is confusing the masses into believing the man in red’s name is spelled “Santa Clause.”

Don’t Ask About the Original Star Trek…

Friday, November 22nd, 2013

Me: What’d you do in school today?

Daughter (11): We watched Robin Hood.

Me: Which one?

Daughter (11): The original. From 1982!

Choose Your Own Adventure

Saturday, September 28th, 2013

So I’m in the parking garage and go to the elevator…



So I go to the stairs…


Now Celebrating 4013 Years Open!

Tuesday, August 20th, 2013

Google’s kinda funny sometimes.

Hey, Maybe We’ll Beat China After All…

Sunday, June 23rd, 2013

Woman kills husband, self while learning to park

“Learning” is a stretch…