Dank Reek of Opium
Editor:
I am writing this e-mail to inform you of true talent on your staff. The videotape reviews put out by one Christopher “I wear all Black, but I am not as cool as Johnny Cash” Null have been underplayed for far too long. I cannot believe you all foolishly allowed him to move to San Fran, have you all lost your minds? Limiting him to video, instead of first runs? Is the dank reek of opium creeping out of your management’s office and truly blistering the minds of the real decision makers at the Chronicle?
What talent, what vision, what insight, etc., Mr. Null shows in his weekly ramblings. The man is a genius, and you let him go! Mr. Null, the Chronicle‘s answer to the Sourpuss of the Statesman, the always angry, yet possible hetro Ann Hornaday. True, in a head-to-head battle, she might have him on smell, she might have him on weight, but never on judgment.
I am afraid you will slowly lose a true gem in the crown of the Chronicle. Not only should you pay him more, but also consider hiring a prostitute to regularly apply “oral minstrations” as to reduce any possible pressure on Mr. Null’s brain, further freeing his thought process, allowing him to write more, more, more.
As demonstrated last night on eMpTV’s Austin Stories, there truly are very few creative writers in this town. Why, that bit of broadcast tripe & drivel almost forced me out of my complacent seat of uncaring, and onto the floor to heave huge chunks of Tex-Mex flavored stomach stew. It was just horrible.
And why? Because the writing staff did not come close to being worthy of carrying Christopher Null’s bedpan.
Please, do not let the Chronicle fall into total disrepair. Keep Null available at all times, at any cost. San Francisco is no place for a honest Austinite. Do whatever it takes, dispatch horses immediately if required, Bring him back.
Or something.
Insincerely,
Charles Statman
lunatic at large
